It's that time again...

April 1st i move. again.

Do you know where I should go?

I require a roof over my head and preferably an area where the only sound keeping me awake would be my own thoughts.

xo,

lf

My arm is so itchy that i want to remove it from my body. the whole thing. so what if my career is ruined and my brain has to learn how to work from the left side. i want it off! anything would be better. to my tattooed friends out there, why do we do this to ourselves? why?

here is another 'why?' question.

Why am i awake? it's almost 130 am and i'm all sore throaty and what not but my brain will not let me fall asleep. My instinct right now is to write down all my inside thoughts and feelings and sads and happys for whomever to read, but i'm trying to make an effort here; an effort to keep it to a minimum whilst still letting you (only my friends i'm hoping) know what's going on with me.

There will always be goods and bads. i'm feeling a lot of bads right now. i'm probably moving for april first. didn't think it would happen this fast so i feel caught off guard a bit. doing olympic hair on sunday. not sure what i'm doing or where to go after the first few hours. all i know is that there are 8 models and only two hairdressers. sweet/not sweet at all.

plus i'm sick. plus feel rejected a little. no. not a little. straight up. rejection sucks and can be hard to deal with. i like me better when i get to the insides but i find living in the city that it's difficult to find this person. always when i go away for a few days or am just alone for a bit i start to recognize myself again. more often than not at this point i let my emotions and feelings get the best of me. becky had some crazy quote of sorts as her facebook status this week about how we think things and feel things and react and therefore are left with the consequences. this kind of goes along with what i'm saying. i know who i am under all this stuff. i just want to be able to go to that place naturally. does that make sense?

now. the goods.

i get to do olympic hair. though i have no idea what will be happening, i still get to do it. this is kind of cool.

i got to have a beer with greg of the great lake swimmers in chads tattoo shop on tuesday after work.

i found the best mexican restaurant in the city...to my knowledge...and will go there alway and forever now.

knowing that i'll be moving soon today i cleaned out my room. got rid of clothes, unfinished projects and did a general tidying all around.

tonight i got to hang out with lindsay and carissa. i love them and they know me almost through and through as i know them almost through and through. it's comforting to know that these people still exist in my life and i love them.

though i feel rejected and my heart is a little bit tender for feeling too much too fast it will make me stronger or smarter or both. i'm ready to shut down and turn a blind eye for awhile.

i've decided not to have anything to drink for a couple of months. as of late i don't like the person i become in my own brain once i've had a few drinks. i just don't want to put myself in that position. too vulnerable and plus it's not good for my physical body. though it was not a regular occurance, it's enough to make me realize i don't like it.

i put that under the goods because it's a good thing.

i hope you are doing well.

you are good and wonderful and strong.

Current favorite song

Lyrics to Ship Caught In The Bay :
Leaving, but never far enough
Like a ship caught in the bay
We'll show each other where it hurts
And well make the fuckers pay
And what is it we don't do well enough
That were constantly afraid.
And clearing up the pieces when your gone
But the silence always stays

The silences and formlessness is gone
With the hand that rocked the babe
Well forgive each other what is done
There's no one we could blame
And neither side is sure enough to move
There's something in the way
And still for all the wisdom that we've got
We're suffering the same

Buried in the work what never ends
And silently we fade..
And we walk on.. on..

White Rock.

I am currently sitting on the beach in White Rock. I needed to escape the city today and this was the second best option for me. The first, i was planning to drive to Hope. Sit on the beach at Lake of the Woods but by the time i figured out what i was doing it was a little late for that. plus i didn't feel like going all that way on my own. not today anyway. I feel like a kid again. Eating icecream staring at the sparkly ocean with the seeming less annoying that normal sounds of the seagulls. They look quite dumb, those things. i suppose because they are. these ones aren't as eager to steal food as the ones in vancouver.

i like sunday drives. i like that february is warm and that everything about this moment feels right.

Gah.

I need a grapefruit and a nap.

Cat sitting. House sitting. Sitting sitting.

Cat/house sitting for eric.

Sitting sitting on the couch with projects in front of me half finished.

I parked in the back at Statik today and there was this stencil that i really quite liked. As emo as it was it sat well in my brain. 'I can't tell if this is killing me or making me stronger.'

They say that what does not kill us only makes us stronger. I believe it. It makes us smarter too. So far this year has been alright. It's off to a better start than the last...

willl write more later.

Plants and Animals. New favorite band. New favorite song.

Lyrics to Good Friend :
I wanna give, I wanna give, I want to give everything up for grabs.
I wanna say, I wanna say, I wanna say all the little things.
I wanna make, I wanna make, I wanna make all of the good times.
I want to shake, I want to shake, I want to shake, I want to shake your hand.
But what I really want to do is dance.
I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance.
I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance.
I wanna dance. I wanna dance.

I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I want to feel lake water.
I wanna think, I wanna think, I wanna think, Oh man I want to think something fine.
I wanna take, I wanna take, I want to such a long long time.
I wanna wake, I wanna wake, I want to wake up and see your shoes in the stairwell.

It takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass.
It takes a good friend to meet you in the park in the dark.
It takes an enemy to help you get out of bed.
It takes your lover to leave you, to feel loneliness.

I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance.
I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance.
I wanna dance. I wanna dance.

I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you to sew a button on my shirt.
I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you to come home.
I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you to help us out.
I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you only to love me for my black eyes.


It takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass.
It takes a good friend to meet you in the park in the dark.
It takes and enemy to help you get out of bed.
It takes your lover to leave you, to feel loneliness.

Thus far.

Sometimes i miss home.

Last night was...Saturday?

Yes.

I got home from work and plopped down on my bed. So tired. Aimee was in Langley so the house was silent. All of a sudden out of nowhere I found myself in the weirdest mood ever!

It resulted in dwelling on some of last years events followed by a few light tears. All I could think about was my grandma fournier who passed away now 6 months ago, how i missed her and how i used to be married. 2 major things that occured in one year. It's a lot.

I then had a bath and stared at my arm for awhile. I love my new tattoo, though it's not quite finished yet. It's so beautiful. The detail and the layout. All that. Chad Woodley is a master.

Lauren had purchased me a ticket to go to this insane dj show down on main called, LA Riots. After my bath i was not prepared to take part in this, however, i dragged myself to the closet and put some clothes on myself. i messaged her letting her know that i would be her butchy lesbian partner that night because i looked like i could swing that way. i had on all black. black pants. black hoody. black touque. black shoes and socks even. there was a green coat, but that was a necessary tool in keeping warm.

i drove to jj. waited for her to call. drank an americano. waited for her to call. stared at the pages of a georgia straight. she called. i drove to fraser and 30th to go pick her up and decided on the way that there was no point in me attempting to make this night happen. we had a little heart to heart in daphnis for a good half hour and i left by myself. i drove and drove and drove. i wanted to be in abbotsford in that moment because i have all my back road routes and spots i will take myself to in times of inner torment or need. the treck i normally take myself on out here is not as theraputic but it does the trick. i drove to UBC. along 12th that turns to 10th that goes to the part where you have to go left or right. then down by the water where you can see the whole city and the giant port boats and the water is so still you don't think it's real. i suppose abbotsford doesn't have that part.

i woke up this morning feeling better. i get to see travis and drink home made ceasars, go shopping on commercial and see jeremy and sheree.

ho. hum.

my arm is itchy.

!!!

:)