Deletion.

I wrote a giant post last night. re-read it just now and felt maybe i put a little too much of myself out there...for a blog post anyway.

gah.geh.ghrrrrrrraaaaaah.

Car.

In this moment I want to be on sumas mountain in my volkswagon. Night time. Cloudless sky. I want the sunroof to be open and for sigur ros to be playing loudly. Scarf, touque, mits and all that. face freezing.

Who reads this anymore??

Connect the dots.

Today I got home from a 12 hour shift exhausted.

I sat in bed to count up my money saved for my upcoming tattoo and was staring at the spots on my legs. Freckles. Lots of them.

After thinking about it for almost 25 years, I decided to grab a pen and play connect the dots. I thought that at least one part would look like something seeing as how there are a lot that go in a straight row and such, but it turns outi just have a bunch of geometric shapes on me.

I tried it. Looks kind of cool. Probably I'll never do it again, but it was amusing.

Mellow, but not mellow enough to sleep yet.

I'm trying to keep up with the blog a little more. Caroline and Laurenn, it's mostly for you two.

I just finished watching Where the Wild Things Are. It was good, however, i feel that it was talked up a lot. This tends to happen with most 'big' movies and by the end of all the hype you're left feeling...meh? I did like it tho. The kid was nuts, but awesome. I want to build a fort.

Yesterday I saw Caroline for the first time in about a year. She came in to get her hair cut because we hadn't had a chance to hang out at all over the winter break. I ran to her and we both started crying. It was strange. I didn't realize how much i missed her. skype has been all we've had for so long and then finally there she was. The last time i remember being that excited to see someone was Laurenn when she got back from 10 months away in Europe. Friends?, i miss you. just so you know.

sigur ros is playing. i'm attempting to use it as a tactic in falling asleep. I think i'll be ready soon.

Just before i opened up this page i was poking on facebook a sec and ended up in a photo album from st.hermans. i'd heard in the past few weeks that what i saw in the photo was fact, but i've seen it now in front of my face. He has a gf. I feel nothing really but a , 'huh.' inside of me. it's weird, admittadley, but in the grand scheme it just...is. i don't know the depth of this relationship or any of the details. frankly, it's none of my business and i don't care to know...i just want him to be happy. really.

i'm still afraid of relationships. the thought of having that commitment this soon makes me want to curl up in a ball.

i feel like myself in this moment. the self that you feel when you feel the most human and are okay with who you are and where you are.

Shows!!!!

This year I'm doing it. The year of the show. I've got 6 planned for the next 2 months! This makes me very happy.

It goes like this

-The British Columbians @ The Venue

-Woodpigeon @ The Biltmore

-Phoenix w/ YSP!WSD! @ The Orpheum

-LA Riots @ ...I don't remember

-Midlake @ The Biltmore

-We Were Promised Jet Packs @ The Biltmore

You should try and come.

P.S.

when did the biltmore become cool?

also-little fact. the beatles used to stay in the hotel connected to the biltmore whenever they would come to vancouver back in the day.

Brain.

I know it's just a day. January 1st--but somehow i feel things are changing. The relief i felt when opening my eyes the morning after new years was finally here. I had officially finished one of the hardest years of my life to date. Now, time to wake up and move on.

I kind of feel like rambling so i think i might. it's what i do. so i will do it.

As I write this, i am making an effort not to listen to music. After having a long difficult self examining conversation with a good friend of mine it was brought to my attention that i can not sit in complete silence. Pride pulled argument out of me saying that it is possible and that i love just being still. stillness is one thing. but stillness and quiet is something very different. I also cannot get deep with a lot of people. i give short sentenced answers. i feel i'm going to bore whomever i'm talking to or that i'll seem concieded or simply just be unintelligent. My brain feels like it can't function right now. There is a flow missing. Maybe i'll stop thinking so much about how there is no music playing and write about something else.

I was in portland last weekend. the 3rd time in one year. This time was quite a bit different than the other two times. Erin and i drove my car down on boxing day. we had planned to stay for 2 nights but the traffic on the I5 was so terrible on the way down that we figured and extra night was probably necessary. It was. It was great. I actually felt my age for the first time in a long time. For the past six months i have become a bit of a recluse. not going out much. listening to music that didn't inspire me to get out of my rut. tended to come home early from events and straight home after work. i think i needed it and i don't think i'm quite done with it, but portland was a nice break. remembering what it's like to just be. to go out and not know what is going to happen one moment to the next until finally at 4am you end up back at your hotel face planted in bed. No shinnanigans were happening really. just pure carefree greatness. the first night we were there we ended up at a drag bar which i don't recall the name of...watched some karaoke and for the first time i actually went up. i don't do this type of thing. usually i run and hide if a speech is to be given or a lesson is to be taught, let alone karaoke. erin and i sang 'psycho killer' by the talking heads. it was hilarious. we had to call a random man from the audience to come up and help us because we couldn't quite make it sound right all on our own. from there we walked through a doorway connected to the drag bar that took us to this club. we danced and danced and danced. i also do not dance. really. soul night, yeah, but aside from that...nope. the music was shit but the vibe was awesome. at some point i looked up and realized that we were 2 of the only women in there. on top of this observation, i noticed we were the ONLY white people in the room. it was a gay mens club filled with bright and shiny latino men. haha, it was great. after a little bit we decided to move on not really knowing where to go or how to get there. we ended up at a little hipster bar called, 'tube'. couldn't have been bigger than the main floor of the six acres and had a dj tucked away in the corner. we sat down to a drink and made a new friend. james. he was slightly scary to me at first but only because he had just graduated some fancy american school in business or something to that effect. turned out he was super rad and invited erin and i to his apartment for some more hang outs. we didn't feel any bad vibes from him or his friends so we followed along down the street to his near by 1bedroom heritage suite where he pays only $650/month. there were 6 of us. two portland natives that had moved to new york to become fancy writers and designers that had come back for the holidays and two that went away for school and came back to start their lives and then bird and i. we turned off the lights plugged in a pod and danced for so long. barely any talking. felt to be one the most epic moments i've experienced in my 25 years of life. 4am we left to sleep. amazing. at one point they put on a new metric song and looked at us with hopeful eyes as we yelled out, 'WE KNOW THIS!!! they're canadian!!' epic.

Also in this journey we introduced the boys at VC (a tiny local pub) to the ceasar. we brought the clam juice and had the bartender, josh/deuce/dante, mix our canadian beverages up. he and two of his friends joined us and were rather taken a back when they realized ceasars indeed tasted better than the bloody mary. we're revolutionizing.

Thats all for the portland trip. We both got tattoos. Mine-an antique spoon. Erins-a swallow.

I think for this year i like the idea of remaining on my own for as long as possible. It fucking sucks sometimes, but in the end i know it will make me stronger. i need to be stronger. i need to figure out my junk and know myself before i attempt to conjoin with someone else. I am not going to be the one to put myself out there. I will not pursue. I will take on my own life. in full. create. explore. move forward. i think i'm really ready this time. to act this out.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...........................rant rant.

this i dont think will change.