I kind of feel like rambling so i think i might. it's what i do. so i will do it.
As I write this, i am making an effort not to listen to music. After having a long difficult self examining conversation with a good friend of mine it was brought to my attention that i can not sit in complete silence. Pride pulled argument out of me saying that it is possible and that i love just being still. stillness is one thing. but stillness and quiet is something very different. I also cannot get deep with a lot of people. i give short sentenced answers. i feel i'm going to bore whomever i'm talking to or that i'll seem concieded or simply just be unintelligent. My brain feels like it can't function right now. There is a flow missing. Maybe i'll stop thinking so much about how there is no music playing and write about something else.
I was in portland last weekend. the 3rd time in one year. This time was quite a bit different than the other two times. Erin and i drove my car down on boxing day. we had planned to stay for 2 nights but the traffic on the I5 was so terrible on the way down that we figured and extra night was probably necessary. It was. It was great. I actually felt my age for the first time in a long time. For the past six months i have become a bit of a recluse. not going out much. listening to music that didn't inspire me to get out of my rut. tended to come home early from events and straight home after work. i think i needed it and i don't think i'm quite done with it, but portland was a nice break. remembering what it's like to just be. to go out and not know what is going to happen one moment to the next until finally at 4am you end up back at your hotel face planted in bed. No shinnanigans were happening really. just pure carefree greatness. the first night we were there we ended up at a drag bar which i don't recall the name of...watched some karaoke and for the first time i actually went up. i don't do this type of thing. usually i run and hide if a speech is to be given or a lesson is to be taught, let alone karaoke. erin and i sang 'psycho killer' by the talking heads. it was hilarious. we had to call a random man from the audience to come up and help us because we couldn't quite make it sound right all on our own. from there we walked through a doorway connected to the drag bar that took us to this club. we danced and danced and danced. i also do not dance. really. soul night, yeah, but aside from that...nope. the music was shit but the vibe was awesome. at some point i looked up and realized that we were 2 of the only women in there. on top of this observation, i noticed we were the ONLY white people in the room. it was a gay mens club filled with bright and shiny latino men. haha, it was great. after a little bit we decided to move on not really knowing where to go or how to get there. we ended up at a little hipster bar called, 'tube'. couldn't have been bigger than the main floor of the six acres and had a dj tucked away in the corner. we sat down to a drink and made a new friend. james. he was slightly scary to me at first but only because he had just graduated some fancy american school in business or something to that effect. turned out he was super rad and invited erin and i to his apartment for some more hang outs. we didn't feel any bad vibes from him or his friends so we followed along down the street to his near by 1bedroom heritage suite where he pays only $650/month. there were 6 of us. two portland natives that had moved to new york to become fancy writers and designers that had come back for the holidays and two that went away for school and came back to start their lives and then bird and i. we turned off the lights plugged in a pod and danced for so long. barely any talking. felt to be one the most epic moments i've experienced in my 25 years of life. 4am we left to sleep. amazing. at one point they put on a new metric song and looked at us with hopeful eyes as we yelled out, 'WE KNOW THIS!!! they're canadian!!' epic.
Also in this journey we introduced the boys at VC (a tiny local pub) to the ceasar. we brought the clam juice and had the bartender, josh/deuce/dante, mix our canadian beverages up. he and two of his friends joined us and were rather taken a back when they realized ceasars indeed tasted better than the bloody mary. we're revolutionizing.
Thats all for the portland trip. We both got tattoos. Mine-an antique spoon. Erins-a swallow.
I think for this year i like the idea of remaining on my own for as long as possible. It fucking sucks sometimes, but in the end i know it will make me stronger. i need to be stronger. i need to figure out my junk and know myself before i attempt to conjoin with someone else. I am not going to be the one to put myself out there. I will not pursue. I will take on my own life. in full. create. explore. move forward. i think i'm really ready this time. to act this out.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...........................rant rant.
this i dont think will change.
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